Humorous Australian columnist, Matt Price, sends up the Australian global warming advocates

You need to know Australian politics well to get most of the jokes below, however

After studying the scientific evidence and examining historical statistics, I'm siding with the sceptics. I concede there have been many extreme events in recent years and, yes, there is a degree of consensus among experts that the causes are anthropogenic. I'll admit it's beyond doubt that a potentially dangerous concentration of Green House emissions may yet cause seismic changes to our way of life. Nonetheless, the panic merchants, doomsayers, scaremongers and preachers of hate - all of them, naturally, of the Left - are getting way ahead of themselves. Much of what is happening right now can be explained as being within the natural variability of the cycle. So forget fence-sitting; it's my steadfast, unfashionable opinion that there is as yet no convincing, irrefutable evidence of political climate change occurring in Australia.

Yes, I hear you clamour, both ACNielsen and Newspoll have Labor well in front. But ask yourself whether these polls can be trusted. The first is commissioned by that well-known far-Left collective, Fairfax, and the other is funded by Uncle Rupert. As you've doubtless read, there has been enormous speculation about Our Fearless Leader performing a sharp U-turn on global political climate change. Most recently Uncle R [Murdoch] was seen lauding the qualities of renowned latte-sipper, feminist and leftist Hillary Clinton. At the risk of offending proprietorial sensibilities, perhaps the polls are being skewed to reflect these shifting sands (never let this column be dismissed as a corporate lapdog). Besides, opinion surveys have been periodically deceptive over the past 10 years. Fellow sceptics recall similar predictions of climate change when Cyclone Mark, the most extreme political affront since Hurricane Gough, wrought havoc across Australia through 2004. By election day, Mark had receded to a limp zephyr and national catastrophe was averted.

History tells us even Kim Beazley, a much less frightening phenomenon, has twice before appeared to be on the verge of melting John Howard's iceberg. Both times Labor's rising sea levels spectacularly ebbed before reaching critical mass. The Prime Minister, often dismissed as a dirty, redundant fossil fool, seems to draw from a bottomless reservoir of renewable energy. It's true the amount of gas emanating from the Green House is now reaching alarmingly high levels. Beazley has long been a high-level emitter, releasing endless speeches, interjections, points of order and censure motions into the precious atmosphere above the House of Representatives. Alarmists are beginning to warn of a perilous new phenomenon: the Red House [The Australian Senate has red leather seating] effect. This is notoriously difficult to measure since anyone foolhardy enough to venture into the Senate risks being permanently anaesthetised by noxious, unnatural gas-bagging.

The problem with political climate change zealots is their stubborn refusal to examine all the evidence. Their once-strident demands for Australia to rely on Crean [Simon Crean is a former leader of the Labor Party] technology ignored the fact that unpopular, inefficient Crean energy was never remotely viable and all but turned the nation into a one-party state. Sceptics remember that Labor is forever relying on non-existent silver bullets to solve its energy requirements.

During the 1990s, Carmen Lawrence was touted as a potential saviour but what appeared to be global warming towards the popular former premier rapidly cooled. Before long, Labor suffered a Carmen tax and voters turned Carmen-neutral.

Labor's propensity to create sudden carnage out of clear sky is routinely ignored by Chicken Littles of the political climate change movement. Party strategists are examining the viability of geosequestration, whereby a tunnel is dug deep into the earth's core and many of Labor's less efficient performers - that is, roughly half of caucus - are locked away in the dark where their dangerous emissions can do minimal harm.

The drive for greater efficiency has forced some political climate change fanatics to review once-redundant technologies. Craig Emerson, dispatched to the back bench during Labor's previous ice age under Cyclone Mark, is furiously releasing policies, many of which seem peculiarly Coalition-friendly. This has raised the prospect of an Emerson-trading scheme, which could see the right-wing Queensland MP switch places with Petro Georgiou, Judi Moylan and other dangerous leftists.

Events in the US, where George W.Bush has just been brutally de-energised, and the imminent retirement of British PM Tony Blair have climate change zealots gleefully predicting the global phenomenon must eventually sweep through Australia. This deceitfully ignores the science - the Howard iceberg has shown no visible sign of melting during the 21st century - and underplays the effect of the Kimbo Protocol.

Australia is so far the only country to have signed up to the Kimbo Agreement [Kim Beazley is leader of the Labor Party], whereby after a period of prolonged turbulence, caucus consented to Beazley returning to the leadership. Critics have long doubted the viability of this renewable energy source which, despite several revamps, never fails to emit copious quantities of Green House gas. Fearful a majority of Australians will refuse to ratify Kimbo in 2007, some caucus doomsayers are privately working on a new treaty, tentatively called the Kevin Protocol.

None of these inconvenient truths will make me popular with the unquestioning bigots and Howard haters who mindlessly eschew science for glib neo-pagan hysteria. Still, this is no time for bandwagon-jumping or fence-sitting; there remains ample time for Kimbo and his energy-thieving caucus to experience that familiar sinking feeling.



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