Ivan 1 pirates 0

Times Online - Russian commandos dramatically rescued the crew of an oil tanker today that had been seized by pirates off the coast of Somalia. Special forces marines stormed the Liberian-registered Moscow University and freed all 23 Russian crew members unharmed. One pirate was reported killed and ten others were arrested after a firefight during the dawn helicopter raid on the vessel, which is carrying 86,000 tonnes of oil worth $52 million (£34 million).

...The crew locked themselves in a safe room, which had reinforced doors that could be opened only from inside, when the Somali pirates boarded the tanker. The ship had been disabled and was not moving, although crew members told officials that pirates were attempting to get into the engine room. The Kremlin despatched the warship to the Gulf of Aden as soon as the crisis broke yesterday about 350 miles (560km) off the coast of Somalia.
Boy are the pirates feeling most unlucky that they were caught by the Russians. If it had been Americans, they'd be mirandized and on their way to New York as I type this, for a speedy trial and fast-track to citizenship, maybe even a deep bow and an apology of some sort from president zero.

Unfortunately the stupid savages made the mistake of screwing with the Russians. I have this funny feeling that if they do make it back to Moscow for a trial of some sort, they'll have fewer teeth than when they gleefully boarded that tanker, and some might even meet with the odd, unfortunate accident on route.

Well you see comrade, these Africans are known to have poor balance and the swells can be surprisingly rough this time of summer, but he pleaded to act out the bow-scene from Titantic, so we thought we should grant him a final wish. How were we supposed to know all of them would trip, somersault, climb over and nose-dive into the sea!


  1. Russians can do some things right. Mind you, their idea of storming the ship might also involve the collateral deaths of the crew, so if I was a crew member I wouldn't relax if I heard the Russian commandos were coming to the rescue.

  2. True, but in this case, it seems they have some clever plans in place to thwart the pirates, soon as the first savage comes over the side, everyone bails into the panic room, may-day is sent out, ship is stopped, the tuna sandwiches are pulled out and so are the playing cards.

    Special forces arrive and the turkey shoot begins. How do you say yeehaw in Russian, or do they just pull out the vodka bottle.

  3. lol, you turned out to be right


    That's hilarious.

  4. A moment's silence for the lost pirates, please. OK, that's more than enough.

  5. Thanks Drew, i saw something about that yesterday, but didn't realize it was the same scumbags. Thanks for letting me know. :)


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