Alien vs Predator

I've read the comics, seen the individual movies, and played the games (both the old side scrolling arcade game and the two PC games – nothing more satisfying that playing as an Alien, crawling along the ceiling then dropping down behind your mate and killing him instantly with a jaw attack)

My biggest thought after watching this dvd? – What a waste. Not since Darth Maul has an idea had so much promise only to be flushed down the toilet and completely wasted.
But then what else should we expect from the hack director who also ruined Resident Evil?

That is another thing, Resident Evil was supposed to be directed by the God of zombie filmmakers George A Romero ‘til someone had the bright idea “Let’s get rid of the director of the greatest zombie film ever, Dawn of the Dead, and replace him with a hack. Why would we want the best zombie film director to direct our zombie film?”

Now you might say that it was the studio’s decision but if Paul WS Anderson was a true fan of the games and had any professionalism he would have told the studio “Don’t be stupid! I suck at directing and there is no way I could do a better a job of Resident Evil than George Romero”...but I digress...

Two of the three Predators get wiped out in their first fight with the Xenomorphs for fuck’s sake – good job turning the awesome Predators into pussies you dipshit.

And that’s another thing – the title of the film is Alien v Predator. But what does this dipshit do? The Predators end up spending more time fighting the humans. There are like one and half battles between the two alien species and then the fight with the queen Alien – that’s it. The few seconds of footage you see of the Predators standing on top of an Incan or Mayan or whatever pyramid fighting the aliens hundreds of years ago is the best bit of the entire film.

Well done moron. You spend tens of millions of dollars and end up with 11 seconds of footage worth watching.

Then the laughable attempts at getting the audience to feel empathy for the characters.

One is this nerdy Scottish guy who is always taking photos for his two kids. Using the totally original plot device of having a soldier freak out and start crying then having the nerdy Scottish guy be the big hero and say “Do you have kids? A son? Well I have two sons so neither of us has the luxury of quitting”

Later we hear him gets attacked by face huggers and then the main character stumbles upon his dead corpse later on – after the alien has burst out his chest. At least have her arrive just in time to hear him cry out with his dying breath “Tell my boys I love them” or something similar. Then we might have actually cared that this guy who just died was the father of two boys. But it's unlikely.

I should write more but it would just be wasting more time.

Oh and the fact this guy is also sleeping with Milla Jovovich has nothing to do with this review. Apart from his turning great concepts into shitty movies, that is just one more reason to hate him.

The only Alien vs Predator competition in this movie is to see which one you would rather throw the director into a pit with.

(cross-posted at The Asylum)

1 comment:

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