Unrealism in Modern Dating

I have a story that rather reinforces what the wise woman below says:

I was sitting in a Wimpy restaurant in Kings Cross years ago  having some late lunch.  There were no other customers about so I overheard the two waitresses talking to one-another.  Discussing relationships, one of them said "I'm waitingfor my millionaire".  So who and what was she?  She was short, overweight and with short bleach-blonde hair.  Millionaires have choices and none would choose her.  But she seemed to believe that she had prospects of  partnering with a millionaire. Extraordinary unrealism

When I was in college, a woman a few years older than me gave me this piece of advice.  “You deserve a 10. Don’t settle for less.”

So — what exactly is a 10?  Whenever I ask single women what they want in a partner, it usually sounds something like this:

“First, I have to be attracted to him. He should be tall, have good hair, and a fit body. Lots of other girls should find him cute, but he shouldn’t have a ton of exes or a high body count, cause he’s gonna need to be loyal and committed to me.

Oh, and he needs to have a REAL job, like one that pays enough that he can have his own car and apartment and pay for dates and take me on vacations.

He should come from a nice family, and be educated and classy. But his family can’t be judgemental of me. And he should have lots of friends and a vibrant social life, but they shouldn’t be girls because that’s suspicious.

He should love me the way I am and call me beautiful every day. And want to marry me and have kids. He needs to fully trust me with finances, cause I’d never sign a prenup. Also, he can’t have any kids with other women cause that’s a dealbreaker.”

There you have it, folks.  He’s the 10/10.  There’s just one teeny, tiny problem —

He doesn’t exist.

Why does everyone assume that they deserve a perfect partner?
Nobody ever imagines that they will end up with a man who’s short, chubby, with a regular job, and flaws like everyone else.

There’s always a wishlist of requirements. Attractive, six-figure salary, similar hobbies and interests, humor, great body…you get the gist.

What amuses me the most is when women have high standards for men, while they aren’t offering anything of value.

We love to list the qualities we’re looking for but seldom stop to think about what we can offer.

It’s socially acceptable for women to assert their standards and have other women cheer them on. Nobody is brave enough to ask, “And what are you going to offer a man in return?”

And if I do ask, I always get a shallow, completely lacking in self-awareness response that amounts to nothing more than, “well…he gets me!”

Out of all available women, why would he choose you?

Imagine if the average man had a similar response when asked about his standards. Picture a group of guys at the sports bar, talking about women. One of them says:

She has to be beautiful. Blonde, D-cup boobs, long legs, and nice butt. She can’t be taller than 5'6 or heavier than 120 pounds. She should be a virign (or close to it) cause I don’t want a woman who’s been with everybody.

But she has to be amazing in the bedroom, and willing to sleep with me after a month or two cause I’m not wasting my time in a sexless relationship. And she can’t be jealous and crazy over the other women I’ve slept with. That’s not her business.

She should be educated, but not too educated cause I don’t want a radical feminist who thinks she doesn’t need me. She also has to make her own money so I know she’s not a gold digger.

She has to want sex at least three times a week, and be able to keep my apartment clean if she lives with me. She can’t have any serious exes who she still talks to or any kids with any other men. She has to let me go out with the boys whenever I feel like it. She can’t nag me about marriage cause that’s a dealbreaker.

Would it be a surprise if this hypothetical man is single?  Would it be shocking if he — an average man — couldn't attract this type of woman?  Again, out of all the men this ideal fantasy woman could date, why would she choose him?

The “never settle” mentality only works if you’re prepared to be single for the rest of your life.  At some point, compromise will be necessary.

We should take note of the types of people who are attracted to us. This may be a good barometer for the value that they bring to potential partners in the dating sphere.

Are you attracting the types of people you desire? If not, this may be an indicator that your perceived value to men (or women) is not quite accurate.

We would all do better to have more realistic standards.   Because guess what?  Perfect people don’t exist.

Final thoughts

Should we have standards for the people we choose to spend time with? Of course.  But we shouldn’t let those standards get so out of hand that we find ourselves waiting for an imaginary dream guy (or girl).

Rather than making a checklist of all the things we want, we should make a checklist for how we will better ourselves and strive for virtue in our lives.

Until we do this, choosey beggars will be single.


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