Ho Hum, Ho Hum, Hicks Took It Up The B. .

Yes, folks, it’s David Hicks Torture Time, that wonderful annual event that sees some brand, sparkling new accusation of evil American torture trotted out by Hicks Co. And always mindful of your viewing pleasure, Hicks Co. leaves no stone unturned to deliver its fans a new and increasingly fantastic allegation each and every year!

So hold onto your hats, sports fans, here we go. . .

Hicks 'sexually abused by Americans'

TERROR suspect David Hicks was sexually abused during two, 10-hour beatings by US attackers, his father Terry has claimed on the ABC's Four Corners program.
What? Only 10 hours? Heck, pretty moderate, guys. You could have come up with 20 hour beatings, I think, and some sluicing with leather-clad frogs or some such. But we’ll hold judgment until we get to the juicy parts. Personally, I’m hoping it will involve porcupines, or maybe electrified deep sea squid. And there has simply got to be some bottom delving this year! The fans demand it! Gee, I can hardly wait!

Hicks' lawyers and family have raised abuse allegations before but the Australian Government has said there was no evidence to support the claims.
Sure – and your point? And they were different then, too, but not quite as entertaining as this year’s, I think. . .

Four Corners reported that soon after being captured by the United States, Hicks was held on the warship USS Peleliu in the Arabian Sea.

Hicks told Englishman Martin Mubanga, a former Guantanamo Bay detainee, he had been taken from the ship by helicopter to an unidentified place, thought to be Pakistan or Afghanistan.
Or maybe the licentious pleasure dome of Kublai Kahn? Heck, I should be writing this stuff. Where can I get a gig as a Hicks Co. writer?

Mr Mubanga told Four Corners Hicks had been taken from the Peleliu and then beaten, spat at, abused and assaulted.

"(His attackers yelled) things like 'you Aussie kangaroo' and things like that, yeah, while they were beating and spitting on him and things like that, so he was called a traitor," he said. And then basically they brought him back, blindfolded, so he never saw his attackers or his abusers basically."
Damn it! They’ve hired another ad-libber again! These guys never get their lines right!

Hicks' father, Terry, claimed that the abuse had involved sexually embarrassing things and that they involved Americans.
Now, this is more like it!

"Some pretty horrific things ... were done to him."
Anal probes! Anal probes! And little Grey Aliens were involved, too, right? And I love the ellipsis, guys! Terrific stuff! Did that cost extra? But wait! Money shot coming up!

Go for it! Go for it!
The program reported allegations that the abuse had included Hicks being injected and then penetrated anally with various objects.
Bingo! I know, I know what kind of objects! That’ll be your live octopus – no, no, porcupine, oh, I can’t make my mind. . .

Hicks' lawyers say they have witnesses relating to the abuse . . .
Elvis and Tickle Me Elmo (Darth Vader was already booked, we know).

His American lawyer, Major Michael Mori, would not comment on the specifics of what information he had.
Killjoy! Damn it! Must be contract time. Mori’s holding out for more money, I can tell! But what part of the annual Hicks Co. event would be complete without your favourite and mine - you guessed it - Mamdouh Habib! Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen. . .

Former Australian Guantanamo Bay detainee, Mamdouh Habib, who was released earlier this year, has also claimed that he was abused while on foreign soil. During one incident, Mr Habib claimed 15 men stripped him, inserted something into his anus, put him in a nappy and tied him up.
"Then the evil, manly Kuffah calling himself ‘The Texas Rump Ranger’ started to oil himself, and. . ."

Ahhh showbiz. I just can’t get enough! I wonder if they’ve thought about syndication?

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